Once, when I was younger, I wrote myself out of depression and eating disorders. I am attempting to do the same with PMDD.
It seems to me that there are lessons here, and choices, even though it often feels like the worst part of PMDD is feeling like there is no control or choice. I am curious about several topics and would like to hear from others on these topics too. Another difficult thing about PMDD is a feeling of loneliness and lack of understanding. I am reaching out to you and welcome a reaching back.
Topics
Identity - PMDD makes me feel as though I am switching identities often. Kind and mean. Happy and very depressed. Hopeful and full of hopelessness. It also forces me to give up the identity of healthy person. Lately, I have noticed that trying to ignore PMDD as a part of who I am is making me feel inauthentic. My wish is that if I were to drop PMDD on the sidewalk, the way I might accidentally drop a piece of paper or some money, and someone saw and said, "Excuse me, is this yours?" I would claim it. I might not like it or enjoy it but I would claim it. How do I move toward that place?
Gender - Oh I am angry. I am so, so angry. This is the first year of my life when I wished I were a male. It was only once, but still, the wish was there. I realize that I have been dealing with gender issues all of my life, but this one feels particularly difficult. There has always been a lack of respect or acknowledgment of the female cycle in my life. Jokes made about PMS, the idea that I should simply be able to suck it up and be nice when being nice is very much outside of my control. The expectation to go about my life performing as if I were not experiencing severe pain and mood difficulties. I am female. I should not make noise. Ignore me. Ignore an illness that is specific to my gender.
Disability - This is, for me, a disability. According to the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act), I meet the requirements of having a disability. I am a doctoral student studying disability but the woman experiencing it is having trouble. I do not like this word, I do not like having to come to terms with it, I do not like having to accept it and yet, not accepting it poses other problems. I don't want to downplay or deny what it is to have a disability either. As I said before about wanting to be able to claim something, I would like to be able to claim this term as well.
Motherhood - Having a child has made me a better graduate student. It has pushed me to pursue my dreams. It has expanded my dreams. It keeps me going when I may have stopped trying as a person without a child. And at the same time, PMDD is devastating to my idea of what a good and kind mother is - to what I was before the PMDD. It is breaking my heart. It is breaking me down.
A chipping away of goodness - Who wants to be mean? How do we make meaning out of PMDD? How do we resist the wearing down of our sense of being good and valuable human beings? I am struggling with this.
A Lack of Support - How many of you have reached out to friends and family to try and explain or promote understanding about PMDD and been totally ignored? Or rather, how many of you have found that the topic of PMDD is ignored? This also creates problems with identity. If a part of who you are is denied, this creates a feeling of loneliness, the belief that you are not valued or understood, the feeling that you shouldn't talk about something that is significant, a feeling that you should just shut up and not make a mess. It may not be what friends and family feel. They may not know what to say. But I can state that not saying anything is equivalent to telling me you don't care, and that hurts.
What are your thoughts and feelings?
