Coping as the partner (friend, family member) of a woman with PMDD

I have received two emails this week from two men who have partners that may have PMDD. I'd like to share a bit of one email I wrote in reply and a coping tool I used in the winter. It may be a good tool for partners as well. I welcome any ideas for coping from people who love women with PMDD. Mothers, fathers, sisters, friends, and partners. If I receive responses, I'm also going to start a new page for easy access to coping tips for those in relationships with women who have PMDD. And of course, helpful advice from those of you who have PMDD are much needed and welcome.

Tip One - Claiming something with mental illness doesn't feel very good.

For those of you with partners who resist seeking help:

There are several reasons why women may not want to say something is wrong. Quite a bit of stigma exists  within our society about mental health issues and womens' cycles have been the source of jokes for as long as I can remember. For me, it took some pretty extreme symptoms in my place of work and within my doctoral program before I began to take my own cycle as seriously as I needed to.

Tip Two - Getting the correct diagnosis is frustrating and uninformed professionals can feed self-doubt.

I had to go through a year long psych eval and three doctors before I found one who even knew what PMDD is and took it seriously. Doctors continue to argue about what PMDD is - a mental illness, a strictly physical illness, or both. Even within the medical community, it's hard to find people who know a lot about it. Also, psychiatrists may pass the problem and the woman dealing with it to primary care physicians and primary care physicians  pass it to the psychiatrists. I've had the BEST success with my GYN. She's young, smart, understands stigma, and is up on the latest issues for women.

Tip Three - the Good days (aka, the 14-ish days when PMDD symptoms aren't present)

Here is something you may want to keep in mind about the "good" days, meaning the two week time frame when PMDD symptoms aren't present. Please remember that this is my experience only. It is possible that your partner doesn't feel this way, but she might. Your partner (or friend, daughter, and so on) may resent the topic of PMDD or other difficult topics being brought up on a good day because good days are hard too. I know that many women spend their good days trying to process the damage the previous PMDD weeks created - trying to manage their egos, their guilt, and their shame. The last thing they want to think about, when they can finally breathe a little easier, is how they have hurt others, made mistakes, etc. For me, the good days were also spent trying to prepare myself for the next round of PMDD days, so I was always a little on edge (I am writing this in the past tense because I am currently PMDD-free). A good week is MUCH better than the PMDD weeks, but it's still a hard week. I bring this up because when the problems PMDD creates need to be addressed, obviously you will want to do that during the non-PMDD weeks. Just try to keep in mind that the person you love may still be struggling.

Tip Four- Liking/Loving her in spite of it all.

For those of you who are in relationships with women with PMDD, finding things to like about the person you care for may be difficult. It is easy to get caught up in the negative aspects PMDD brings. This is the same for the person who has PMDD multiplied by the guilt and shame she feels for putting others through PMDD symptoms and not feeling in control of her mood. Last winter, I kept a journal during the most difficult days in an effort to remember who I really am. I wrote down absolutely anything I could think of to boost my feelings of self-worth and to throw a little kindness my way. Here are some examples from my journal:

I gave J (my six year old) a kiss good-bye and a kiss hello.

I read to J from The Wizard of Oz.

I made good cupcakes.

I kept trying, all day long.

When I am well, these things are things I take for granted. I expect myself to do them and wouldn't think to write them down as acts of kindness and goodness, although they certainly are, PMDD or no PMDD. When I am ill, the effort it takes to do them is enormous. So I suggest that those of you without PMDD try keeping your own journals to help yourselves remember why you like/love the person with PMDD. If she makes an effort to be kind, write it down. If she kisses you or your child, write it down. I remember the act of simply reaching back to touch my son's knee on the way to school was so hard, but I wanted very much to connect with him as the mommy I am when I am well. On the really horrible days, this journal helped a lot. It was like a little bit of extra energy, a little bit of light, and keeping one for yourself might give you a boost as well. Further, if you, as a partner, feel like nobody understands how much of an effort you are making, keep a positive journal for yourself too. This is not meant to be a time consuming tool. I spent about 5-10 minutes each day keeping the journal. I wrote down short sentences like the one above.

If you find the day is really awful and you can't write down anything nice, I think that's okay. Try, but know that some days are just like that. I have a page in my journal that says "A (my husband) is selfish (underlined) at the bottom of a positive list. Then I go on a rant for three pages. It was the week before my period. You might have some similar pages the week before your partner's period too :-)

Tip Five - Get yourself some support.

You need support too. You can help yourself and your family by being informed and supported. There are a handful of PMDD sites to help you better understand PMDD. The ones I know of can be found in the left column of this site. Here is a link to a great forum in the UK:http://www.pms.org.uk/Forum/

The forum contains a section for those of you in relationships (for people with and without PMDD).

*Remember to send your ideas my way. You can email (wytewave@yahoo.com) them or post them here.

Comments

[Jami]

I have never been diagnosed with it but I highly suspect that I have PMDD. My reasons for not going to the doctor? Because I don't want to be like you and go through a year long psych evaluation and be tossed around to a trillion different doctors because no one knows about PMDD. I'm really not certain I could handle that... so instead of seeking out the treatment that I so desperately want/need... I sit here suffering month in and month out. I long to have a solution... I long to have relief... I long to be headed in a positive direction... yet I fear being drug through the dirt to get it. Any advice??

[Danielle]

Thank you for this. I have a really important talk to have with my girlfriend.